How To Handle Difficult People

*Author’s Note: The elements that I am discussing in this article are in no way applicable to situations of children or minors and abuse – those are examples of an authority figure causing harm to another being, and blame should never be placed upon the victim. Please note that all references in this article pertain to non life-threatening situations, and if you or someone you know are in need of help, please contact your local authorities or mobile crisis unit for immediate support.

What Makes Some People Difficult To Deal With?

 Interacting with other people is practically required in life. You can minimize the time spent with certain people, sure – but you can’t avoid all people entirely. So what do you do when you’re faced with a person who just seems to be difficult to deal with? It could be an employer, an employee, a spouse, parent, friend, child, or neighbor. Chances are, you’ve encountered someone that you just didn’t like being around. Perhaps they are rude to you or put you down, or maybe they always seem irritable and upset about something. Regardless of the situation, you just don’t feel good being around them, and you don’t know what to do about it.

 Although you cannot control another person’s behaviour, there is a significant role that you can play in improving the relationships that you have in your life. 

I am going to challenge you to change your perspective on these situations in your life, and I encourage you to read with an open mind. Most often when a person experiences a strong aversion to something, it is because it is challenging their views and taking them outside of the known and familiar comfort zone- and this is what might be needed to actually promote change in your life. People’s behaviour only has an affect on you, positively or negatively, because you let it. There are reasons as to why their behaviour affects you though, and we will address why this is and how you have the power to change it.

How To Improve Relationships With Difficult People

Why is it that other people’s behavior can have such a profound impact on your own thoughts, feelings, and actions? This is the first question that needs to be asked when you are dealing with people in your environment who are unsettling to you in some way. It allows you a moment to take a step back and ask yourself a question – and the right questions can change everything. 

Have you ever been in a situation where someone made you feel self-conscious, or said something that made you feel badly about yourself? Take for example a relative who asks you about how you’re doing , then proceeds to give their own opinion of what you should be doing differently (let’s be honest: you knew it was coming). What about a co-worker who complains about your work when you’re not around, and isn’t all that pleasant to you? How do these interactions affect you? Do they amplify an already existing self-doubt, or do you shrug them off without another thought?

Every interaction that we have with another person is an opportunity to reflect on how we actually feel about ourselves. You can think of other people as mirrors for your own thoughts and feelings. When you are having an incredible day and you’re feeling great, your interactions with other people reflect that mentality. When you’re feeling self conscious or anxious, your interactions with others will reflect that back to you by giving you the feedback that you (internally) think you deserve.

In a previous article, I discussed the scientific theories of where thoughts come from, how memory is stored, and how to direct your thoughts and emotions in a way that benefits you. Our relationships with others are no exception to this. We are constantly interacting with the energy field around us, and also the energy fields of others. Think about a time that you walked into a room where two people were just having an argument: I bet you could feel the tension in that room. Even if they had stopped arguing when you arrived, the energy still lingered, and it felt uncomfortable for everyone involved. This is because we are always interacting with the energy of those around us. So when you think about how your own thoughts and memories are stored in the field around you, it’s no wonder that other people are showing up as mirrors for your own thoughts about yourself – they don’t have a choice. They are subconsciously picking up on your energetic cues, and relaying those messages back to you, allowing you the opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to make changes in order to further your development. 

So here is the question to ask when an interaction with another person leaves you feeling anxious, stressed, angry, self-conscious, irritated, or otherwise: 

What views do I hold about myself that reinforce this feeling?

The reason it’s important to ask yourself this question is simple: if someone says something absolutely ridiculous to you, and you know 100% that it is not true, it doesn’t affect you in the slightest. You immediately shrug it off and chalk it up to that person having a bad day/week/month/year/perpetual “mood”. You know that it has nothing to do with you, because it doesn’t reflect what you know to be true about yourself. Point blank.

It is also important to remember, however, that you are a mirror for other people as well. When you recognize this, you have the opportunity to break those patterns of behaviour and set the stage for something new to happen, and perhaps help to shape the way that they see themselves too.

How To Stop Being A Difficult Person

The relationships and interactions that you have with others are direct reflections of what you think and feel about yourself. In the beginning, this is not an easy concept to grasp, and it definitely isn’t one that makes you feel good if you have the tendency to attract people who complain, gossip, make excuses, or generally leave you feeling pretty low afterwards. The great news is, you have every ability to change this. When you start recognizing the mirror in other people, you can start to get a clearer picture of how you truly treat yourself (and what you think you really deserve), and it gives you the opportunity to evaluate it. Write down the dominant patterns that you encounter, and what thoughts you have that correspond to them. Now you have a choice, and only you can decide what stays and what goes. You have the power to change the way you think about yourself, and it will completely change the way that others relate to you as well. I have seen so many examples of this in my own life, of people that I never thought would speak kindly of me or treat me with any sort of respect- now they are supportive, respectful, and actually quite enjoyable to talk with. It is amazing what we have the ability to influence in our lives, and it really all comes down to one thing: you. What you bring to the table is what shows up on the table, so to speak. 

Whenever you are engaging with another person, there are two “you”s involved, and there are many times that when you are feeling frustrated, happy, or irritated, you will project those feelings onto another person – you’re expecting them to mirror it back to you, and you might not always get it. Recognizing this behaviour is key to understanding where other people are coming from – either they are struggling with their own emotions and are expressing them towards others, or they are mirroring your own thoughts and feelings to show you what to pay attention to. Once you have a deeper understanding of your own inner environment, you will be able to distinguish one from the other quite efficiently, and then respond accordingly. It is incredibly liberating to have this level of self awareness, as it will unlock so much freedom in your life when you are not bound to a reactive pattern based on your surroundings. You can regulate your own emotional climate without needing the input of others, and you will cultivate sincere compassion for those who are experiencing difficulties in their own lives. We lead by example, and we all have a choice as to whether that example is positive or negative. Choose with intention. 

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